One of the most important parts of therapeutic treatment is identifying and accepting the emotions you are experiencing. Obviously, our ideas or concepts have been created as a result of what we learn at home, combined with what we learn outside of it, socially. Both within the family and in the different contexts where human beings develop, there are emotions that are accepted and normalized, but others that are not.
Especially at home, many emotions are not named, and if they are, they are given a negative connotation that must be avoided or eradicated.
During the therapeutic process, the patient learns to identify the emotions they experience when faced with situations that generate stress, anguish, or confusion.
Naming these emotions, accepting and embracing them is part of accepting that we are human beings, with weaknesses, but also with many strengths.
Sometimes it is necessary to "break down" and rebuild ourselves with a new perspective on our strengths and weaknesses.
In my personal experience I will name an emotion or concept of myself that I used to believe was negative, and that was “being angry”.
I grew up believing that my role in the family as “the youngest daughter” implied having a sweet and loving personality so that the people around me would feel happy to have me around, so then emotions like anger in my personality were rarely externalized and as for sadness, I also avoided showing it as much as possible.
At home, it was never discussed that being angry or sad was something “bad” but the simple fact of referring to me as the “baby”, the “girl” or “the spoiled one”, immediately labeled me as having to correspond to that role, while on the other hand, my brothers being older than me, and being men, were allowed to demonstrate more aggressive behaviors even implying that they had to always be attentive to my care and protection which gave them permission to express precisely other types of emotions.
Thus, our personalities, traits, and behaviors are often unconsciously formed in our homes, based on the roles and emotions we were allowed to demonstrate and develop.
Over time and through therapy, I learned the enormous value of expressing anger, rage, frustration, and sadness, lifting the burden of a happy image they had internalized as my ideal self from my shoulders.
It's important to find balance, identify the right moment, and assertively express the emotions and feelings that a situation generates in us, whether to better understand and process it ourselves or to flow in harmony with our environment.
Here I present some of the main emotions we face every day. I invite you to review them and identify at what point in your life you've felt this way. And when you have, have you shared it? Expressed it? Have you suffered it? Or do you allow yourself to feel and navigate the moment, problem, or challenge without guilt? And if it's an emotion that brings you satisfaction, how do you navigate it? Do you dare to talk about it with someone? Or do you bottle it all up, like a pressure cooker that fears it might explode at some point? Do you allow yourself or others to be loving and compassionate toward you? These kinds of questions and answers invite reflection and self-exploration and are just a few examples of the many questions that arise in a therapeutic process.
Anger. One of the most primitive human emotions, we are socially "taught" that anger is "bad." However, it is a natural emotion resulting from situations sometimes within and sometimes beyond our control. The important thing is to identify it and, if possible and appropriate, express it to the person causing the conflict. If it is an injustice, it is absolutely necessary to talk about it. Some examples of questions to ask when feeling angry are: Does it make sense to express it? Is there a solution to the conflict? Could the outcome change if I express my anger or not? Who is responsible for my anger? Don't forget the enormous importance of recognizing when we have created conflict and difficulty for ourselves, and then the anger is directed toward ourselves. In that case, also remember the importance of taking responsibility and being both realistic and compassionate with yourself.
Shame. Countless situations may arise that make us feel ashamed of our own behavior or speech. It is normal and human to feel ashamed when we know we are wrong. However, the ego often hides what deeply embarrasses us and constructs and projects an outward image of grandiosity, generating conflict or minimizing the feelings or thoughts of others. Shame is part of recognizing ourselves as human, with flaws, and without losing sight of the fact that often asking for forgiveness at the right time from the right person can lessen the conflict and find a balance between both parties. What do you do when you feel ashamed? Do you allow yourself to feel ashamed? Do you allow yourself to talk about it and receive opinions or advice when in doubt? Perhaps the situation you are going through has mistakenly generated a feeling of shame and is causing you to make poor decisions. Before making a radical decision, it would be worth reviewing this. Listening to the opinions of others can sometimes result in finding answers or solutions where you least expected.
Fulfillment. The ultimate and greatest goal of every human being is to achieve fulfillment, to feel satisfied and proud of oneself, although it's worth mentioning that sometimes, mistakenly, "one's happiness depends on the acceptance and perception of others." Fulfillment is a feeling of inner peace, which is the result of the conviction of having made the right decisions. It is a mental state of integral physical and emotional well-being, which for many people is difficult to achieve by setting excessively high and almost unattainable goals. It's also important to note that many people don't realize that "they don't allow themselves to feel fulfilled or satisfied" due to the pursuit of "perfection." But the question here is, who is or who has a perfect life? Sometimes we believe that the other person "has a perfect life," but I can assure you that doesn't exist. What does exist is accepting and embracing our circumstances, understanding that for each of us there are challenges that are invisible to others and that our focus should be on ourselves. Have you ever wondered what your concept of fulfillment is? What is happiness? How much do you applaud or devalue your achievements? Do you push yourself to the limit, so that they become unattainable goals?
Fear. Fear is one of the most basic and fundamental emotions, and the one we face most on a daily basis. It's one of the first emotions we learn, and in some contexts, it's allowed to express, but not all. It's also seen as a resource for survival and self-protection. When faced with fear, humans develop different skills or solutions, and when there's no solution, it becomes a pathology; an example of this is anxiety.
Expressing fear, seeking refuge, comfort, or support in this situation are behaviors that should be normalized. However, in some contexts, fear is viewed as a negative emotion that people try to "hide," thus generating illness. What causes you fear? Have you observed how it manifests in your body? Does it generate any symptoms? How do you process it? Do you talk about it? Are you allowed to express it within your family?
Joy. The "ideal" emotion that they have tried to promote to us almost as a "mandate" is socially one of the most accepted, positive, and permitted emotions. However, many pathologies arise precisely from this need to demonstrate joy or happiness, even when it may be superficial. The feeling of well-being, security, and confidence that joy reflects should be seen as just another emotion. It's just as important to recognize, be grateful for, and enjoy the things or situations that make us happy. It should also be normal to accept or acknowledge when we aren't, when other emotions overshadow happiness. These emotions are valid as long as they don't come to a standstill and limit our enjoyment of the truly optimal things in our lives.
Jealousy. Jealousy results from a feeling or self-perception of insecurity. It arises from the idea of not being enough to satisfy the needs or happiness of another. A person with low self-esteem or a poor self-perception easily falls victim to jealousy, even when their partner may not be engaging in any type of behavior that generates distrust. There is a difference between normal and pathological jealousy. It is normal to occasionally feel jealousy when we identify that our romantic partner is "attractive" to another person and our relationship could be "threatened." However, jealousy is sometimes maliciously fueled by the other person, whose behavior confuses the "jealous" person and exacerbates the problem. Jealousy is normal and natural as long as it does not generate conflict and can be discussed. It becomes pathological when one of the partners is attacked, minimized, mistreated, or singled out, thus disrupting the harmony of the relationship, generating distrust and discomfort in the couple.
Love. There are several types of love, but for the purposes of this example, we will discuss romantic love. In most cultures, a romantic relationship is the ultimate expression of love, a feeling through which we connect exclusively with the person we consider the ideal partner to share our life with. We acquire the definition and characteristics of love largely from family dynamics at home, primarily from the relationship with parents, and from what we observe in their treatment and care for each other, as well as for us. Often, this concept of love will be very different for other people, and what might be positive for some may not be for others. The displays of affection and love will vary greatly from one family unit to another. In therapeutic work, one of the key themes is understanding that our way of loving may not be exactly what the other needs, and vice versa. The important thing is to be open to listening to our partners in order to understand their concept of love and to have the ability to also ask for or express what we need, thus finding the middle ground between what each of us has and can give.
Euphoria. Euphoria is a feeling of extreme happiness, success, and satisfaction that manifests itself with overwhelming energy. It tends to be a very sporadic and fleeting emotion, as it is the extreme of what we would call happy or joyful moments in everyday life. This emotion manifests itself physically and emotionally as an elation. It is important to mention that, like all emotions, pursuing the goal of feeling euphoric or exalted on a daily basis is to fall into an unrealistic and almost unattainable extreme. Daily life is full of nuances and ups and downs in our emotions, and the ideal goal is to navigate through all of them according to the experiences life presents us and the reality we generate, without becoming exclusively fixed in any of them. An example of the negative perception of euphoria is the state sought to be achieved with some drugs, which physically and chemically stimulate the brain to generate sensations that should actually arise from a feeling and a reality experienced spontaneously.
Sadness. Sadness is one of the most basic and everyday emotions in human beings. It is perceived as a negative state; however, it is precisely part of human nature, and it should be much more normalized to allow ourselves the sensitivity to empathize with sensitive, tragic, disappointing moments, and challenges or difficulties. A very important concept in psychology is depression, which is precisely a state of emotional health in which the person has stagnated in the feeling of sadness and laments what has happened recently or very recently. Culturally, women are much more allowed to express feelings of sadness, unlike men, who have been conditioned to believe that expressing or feeling sadness (for example, crying) represents a sign of weakness. Sadness should be accepted as a natural part of being human, regardless of whether it is a man or a woman. Allowing ourselves to feel, cry, and suffer invites us to pause and reflect on what happened, and to vent the emotional burden that the situation represents for us through crying. It would also be important to have the sensitivity to empathize with the feelings of the person suffering and make them feel free to express their emotions without fear of judgment.
Brotherly love. As mentioned before, love is a feeling that encompasses a complexity and a vast concept, and for ease of understanding, I prefer to divide it into categories. In this sense, brotherly love is that which we feel in a friendship or family relationship where there is a deep connection and trust, and we highly appreciate the worth and values of the other person. Friendship plays a fundamental and necessary role in human life; the deepest friendships are strengthened by the feeling of brotherly love and gratitude on both sides. Sometimes a friendship lasts longer than a romantic relationship, which is why it is so important to wisely identify those people (who are usually very few) who make us feel that deep sense of connection, understanding, and gratitude. These are often the very people who shelter, support, and accompany us when we go through life's greatest difficulties and challenges. Humans are social beings by nature, hence the importance of fostering these healthy bonds in our lives.
Distrust. Distrust is the opposite feeling of trust, that is, the inability to trust another person or oneself in situations of doubt. Distrust is also an attitude or stance intended to protect us and take precautions or distance ourselves from dangerous situations. The situations or people that generate distrust are sometimes the result of previous experiences in human beings and their relationships, and sometimes they are the result of insecurity or low personal self-esteem. It is important first and foremost to work on self-confidence, recognize our worth, and the value of our perception of things, people, and situations. The power of our thoughts is praise to what we often don't give the value we should, and that is where it could be that the other person isn't failing in the bond, but rather that we ourselves, due to our own fears, are sabotaging a relationship.
Guilt. Guilt is an emotion that arises from recognizing and admitting that we have behaved inappropriately toward a situation or person. This is something known today as emotional responsibility. It is a feeling that, when moderate and appropriate, or "fair," can be easily overcome. However, in family or relationship dynamics, manipulation is often used toward the other person, generating feelings of guilt where none should exist. That is, blaming the other person for a situation or feeling that doesn't really correspond to them, generating a feeling of disapproval and sometimes self-punishment. How many times have you felt guilty in situations that initially seemed like you weren't responsible for? Do you identify feelings of guilt in your relationships? How do you process guilt when you feel responsible? When faced with situations of doubt or anguish, it is important to calmly review, and sometimes with the help of a professional, these feelings, which can lead to self-punishment or overcompensation when we feel responsible for something we are accused of.
